Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What do you do....?

You sit there, the words exiting the phone and entering your brain. You know you've heard right, but you still question what's been said. Your mind becomes confused, and starts racing in every direction. You answer with standard replies "Ahuh....yep....Ok...". Although you know you have to process the words into a meaning you search for the right one. And then it hits you. Like a car hitting a brick wall. Like the unsuspecting slap to the face that it is. The emotions begin. You can feel it swelling in your throat, you chest tightens, your voice waivers, you blink, waiting for the water works to begin. They don't. You continue with the conversation in a blank state until the words have been said and you know it's time to hang up. You stare at the phone and want to throw it. But don't. The thoughts in your mind still racing. The irrational ones start to slip in. And then the selfish ones appear. This isn't about you, yet you still have your selfish thoughts about how you will be affected.  You look around the tiny room your in. Look at the carpet, at the glass sliding door, checking to see if anyone has seen your reactions so far, and if you look normal. You know as soon as you leave that tiny space it all becomes a reality. You decide to stay in there a while longer, to let it sink in. But what needs to sink in doesn't want to. How can it? And again it doesn't make sense. You want to scream. But don't. You haven't cried. You guilty for not crying yet. Why haven't you cried? This isn't the place to cry. These people don't need to see that. You don't want them to see that.  You wait a little longer thinking the emotion will kick in physically soon, hoping that it does to make you feel normal. Don't normal people cry at times like these? Why haven't you cried? The mental fight continues but doesn't get any easier. You know it's time to face the reality. You have to leave the room. You have to get some air. You feel the suffocation of it all begin to choke you. Let me out. I need to be away from here. I need air.  You slowly slide the door open, you wander to your desk, grab you glasses and wallet and head outside for the air you were gasping for. As soon as you feel the breeze on your face it really hits you. The reality is horrible. It hurts so much more than you could ever imagine. The tears start. You're normal. You thank yourself for having enough brains to grab your glasses. They can help shield the tears. They help shield the pain. You look around for the familiar face you know is coming for you. It's there. You feel safe. You let out the pain the instant he touches you. The tears are unstoppable. You go back to thinking your abnormal. The thoughts start to calm themselves. You look into that face you know will be there when it all goes bad and hope it never goes away. You feel relief. You feel guilt. You feel sad. You feel heartbroken. You still feel pain. But it will subside soon....won't it.....?

At least that's what I did today when I found out my mother has 6 months to live.

Monday, January 25, 2010

A Week of Sport and Gnocchi!!

What a productive week I've had! I've managed to knock three things off my list with the aid and assistance of some freinds and family!  Firstly I attended the The Australian Open Tennis on Wednesday, then a Melbourne Victory Soccer match on Saturday and finally I made Gnocchi from scratch on Sunday! Here are some finer details:

#57. Go to the Australian Open Tennis - 20/01/2010.
Matt & I were lucky enough to receive Australian Open Tennis vouchers for Christmas from his sister, Bec, so we traipsed off to the Tennis on Wednesday night after work.  It was a pretty warm night, but that didn't seem to deter the crowds, we couldn't even get a seat on Margaret Court to watch the Andy Murray game, so after waiting in the que for about 20 minutes we headed over to one of the other outside courts and watched the mens doubles.  Nowhere near as many people at this match, and as a result the atmosphere was quite dull, but still it was an eye opener for me having never been to a Tennis match before.  Unfortunately I also realised that I'm not much of a tennis fan.  Although the gift was extremely appreciated from Matt's sister, I don't think I'll be attending the tennis anytime in the future.

#31. Watch a Melbourne Victory soccer match live - 23/01/2010.
Thanks to my wonderful freind Sarah for organising the tickets.  It was a rivalry match between Melbourne Victory and Adelaide United so perfect for the 2 of us to attend.  The game began with a Victory goal in the first 20 seconds.... and then nothing until the last 20 seconds when Victory scored another goal off a penalty. It was great experience, but I'm not too sure I'll be going back.  It can be such a long time between scoring and the whole atmosphere is completely different to that of an AFL Match...which I'm used to.  A great night out with my mate Sarah... but not really my cup of tea. Perhaps if I knew who the players were and bit more about the rules I might have enjoyed it more. Oh Well.

#2. Make pasta from scratch - 24/01/2010.

This idea came to me whilst having a drink with Sarah after the soccer on Saturday night, so I ran with it.  None of my recipe books had recipes for making your own pasta, so I resorted to my trusted friend the internet.  Thanks to recipe finder I managed to come across a gnocchi recipe that looked like it would be relatively easy for me to make..... and it was!!  Once I'd got myself all sorted out with the ingredients and decided on what sauce to make I was off and racing!  Before long I had some cute little pillows of gnocchi waiting to be boiled up for my dinner.

I'd decided on a mushroom sauce, which is always a favorite.  It's one I've been making for a couple of years now, and absolutely love it!  There's no recipe for it, just a dash of this and a splash of that type thing, but it always turns out great.  So once I'd got my sauce bubbling away I cooked up my gnocchi just as instructed. It turned out light and fluffy and absolutely wonderful.... and here was my finished product..... DELICIOUS!