What do you do....?

You sit there, the words exiting the phone and entering your brain. You know you've heard right, but you still question what's been said. Your mind becomes confused, and starts racing in every direction. You answer with standard replies "Ahuh....yep....Ok...". Although you know you have to process the words into a meaning you search for the right one. And then it hits you. Like a car hitting a brick wall. Like the unsuspecting slap to the face that it is. The emotions begin. You can feel it swelling in your throat, you chest tightens, your voice waivers, you blink, waiting for the water works to begin. They don't. You continue with the conversation in a blank state until the words have been said and you know it's time to hang up. You stare at the phone and want to throw it. But don't. The thoughts in your mind still racing. The irrational ones start to slip in. And then the selfish ones appear. This isn't about you, yet you still have your selfish thoughts about how you will be affected.  You look around the tiny room your in. Look at the carpet, at the glass sliding door, checking to see if anyone has seen your reactions so far, and if you look normal. You know as soon as you leave that tiny space it all becomes a reality. You decide to stay in there a while longer, to let it sink in. But what needs to sink in doesn't want to. How can it? And again it doesn't make sense. You want to scream. But don't. You haven't cried. You guilty for not crying yet. Why haven't you cried? This isn't the place to cry. These people don't need to see that. You don't want them to see that.  You wait a little longer thinking the emotion will kick in physically soon, hoping that it does to make you feel normal. Don't normal people cry at times like these? Why haven't you cried? The mental fight continues but doesn't get any easier. You know it's time to face the reality. You have to leave the room. You have to get some air. You feel the suffocation of it all begin to choke you. Let me out. I need to be away from here. I need air.  You slowly slide the door open, you wander to your desk, grab you glasses and wallet and head outside for the air you were gasping for. As soon as you feel the breeze on your face it really hits you. The reality is horrible. It hurts so much more than you could ever imagine. The tears start. You're normal. You thank yourself for having enough brains to grab your glasses. They can help shield the tears. They help shield the pain. You look around for the familiar face you know is coming for you. It's there. You feel safe. You let out the pain the instant he touches you. The tears are unstoppable. You go back to thinking your abnormal. The thoughts start to calm themselves. You look into that face you know will be there when it all goes bad and hope it never goes away. You feel relief. You feel guilt. You feel sad. You feel heartbroken. You still feel pain. But it will subside soon....won't it.....?

At least that's what I did today when I found out my mother has 6 months to live.

A Week of Sport and Gnocchi!!

What a productive week I've had! I've managed to knock three things off my list with the aid and assistance of some freinds and family!  Firstly I attended the The Australian Open Tennis on Wednesday, then a Melbourne Victory Soccer match on Saturday and finally I made Gnocchi from scratch on Sunday! Here are some finer details:


#57. Go to the Australian Open Tennis - 20/01/2010.
Matt & I were lucky enough to receive Australian Open Tennis vouchers for Christmas from his sister, Bec, so we traipsed off to the Tennis on Wednesday night after work.  It was a pretty warm night, but that didn't seem to deter the crowds, we couldn't even get a seat on Margaret Court to watch the Andy Murray game, so after waiting in the que for about 20 minutes we headed over to one of the other outside courts and watched the mens doubles.  Nowhere near as many people at this match, and as a result the atmosphere was quite dull, but still it was an eye opener for me having never been to a Tennis match before.  Unfortunately I also realised that I'm not much of a tennis fan.  Although the gift was extremely appreciated from Matt's sister, I don't think I'll be attending the tennis anytime in the future.



#31. Watch a Melbourne Victory soccer match live - 23/01/2010.
Thanks to my wonderful freind Sarah for organising the tickets.  It was a rivalry match between Melbourne Victory and Adelaide United so perfect for the 2 of us to attend.  The game began with a Victory goal in the first 20 seconds.... and then nothing until the last 20 seconds when Victory scored another goal off a penalty. It was great experience, but I'm not too sure I'll be going back.  It can be such a long time between scoring and the whole atmosphere is completely different to that of an AFL Match...which I'm used to.  A great night out with my mate Sarah... but not really my cup of tea. Perhaps if I knew who the players were and bit more about the rules I might have enjoyed it more. Oh Well.


#2. Make pasta from scratch - 24/01/2010.

This idea came to me whilst having a drink with Sarah after the soccer on Saturday night, so I ran with it.  None of my recipe books had recipes for making your own pasta, so I resorted to my trusted friend the internet.  Thanks to recipe finder I managed to come across a gnocchi recipe that looked like it would be relatively easy for me to make..... and it was!!  Once I'd got myself all sorted out with the ingredients and decided on what sauce to make I was off and racing!  Before long I had some cute little pillows of gnocchi waiting to be boiled up for my dinner.






I'd decided on a mushroom sauce, which is always a favorite.  It's one I've been making for a couple of years now, and absolutely love it!  There's no recipe for it, just a dash of this and a splash of that type thing, but it always turns out great.  So once I'd got my sauce bubbling away I cooked up my gnocchi just as instructed. It turned out light and fluffy and absolutely wonderful.... and here was my finished product..... DELICIOUS!

Knocking things off the list!

My list of 101 things is slowly being completed....although it's much slower than I anticipated, so I really should get cracking.  To date I've completed 17 out of 101, and have 6 on the go.  Here's a few details on the one's I haven't previously mentioned:

#7. Donate Blood - 17/07/2009.  This was something I've always wanted to do but never been able.  Well finally my doctor gave me the all clear and I was free to donate.  I registered with the blood bank just after the Black Saturday Fires, but the influx of people wanting to donate must have been quite overwhelming for them as they didn't contact me until July to book an appointment! It was a little daunting to start with (I'm not great with needles...but if I don't look, I can usually cope) but I'm really glad I donated.  To think that my small donation of healthy blood helped to save a life was kinda cool.  I'm even going back next week to donate again!

#17. Visit the South Melbourne Markets - 18/07/2009.  What a great morning!! Matt and I went to the Markets for breakfast on the morning we departed for our Tasmanian holiday.  It's strange to think that such a great place was so close to me all this time and I never visited out of sheer laziness. I've been back a few times since July and plan to make regular trips there in 2010 for all my fresh food needs - I LOVED THIS PLACE!

#20. Attend the Melbourne Internaitonal Comedy Festival - 17/04/2009.  Again - what was I thinking not going to this any sooner!! Matt & I went and saw ManFace, a WA act. They were 2 young guys who were quite hilarious, and I'll be looking out for them in the 2010 festival - great show!!

#21. Start a herb garden - 05/09/2009.  Now this has been a bit of an eye opener.  I've always been very anti-gardening.  I hate it. Can't stand the whole thing.  Don't get me wrong I love being in gardens and can certainly appreciate the effort and beauty of a well maintained garden, but I have absolutely no intention of doing the maintenance and effort required for such a thing.... until now.  I decided if I was going to grow some herbs I was going to do it from scratch. So off to Bunnings I trapsed, and I walked out of there with my own propegation kit and seeds ready to start my little garden.  To my surprise it really wasn't all that horribly hard, and within a few short weeks I had some parsely, chives, corriander, mint & basil all sprouting and waiting to be transplanted into a bigger home.  Once I planted them into bigger pots, they grew like wildfire!! And I'm very proud to say I've used most of the herbs in my own cooking.  It's quite a satisfying feeling eating something you've grown from scratch and enjoying it. So much so that Matt & I have now planted our own tomatoes, garlic, strawberries and corn.  Holy Moly... I think I'm a changed woman!

#29. Invite freinds over for a home cooked meal - 11/07/09.  Now this was a fun night! Matt & I invited our very good friends, Chris & Lenore, over for dinner back in July and made a very tastey lamb roast.  With good food and wine & great company it was always a recipe for an awesome night - which it was!

#46. Buy a bookshelf for my room - 06/12/2009.  This has to be the bargain of my life time! I managed to win an eBay auction and got a beautiful bookshelf made of solid timber for a whole $61.00!!! It looked quite OK in the pictures, but you never can tell until you see these things in person.  But for once, I was pleasantly surprised at just how great this bookshelf was! It's made a massive difference to my room - the clutter has seemed to just disappear!

#91. Read a self help  book on careers and money - Barefoot Investor by Scott Pape.  Now this was something I should have read a long time ago! A great book that has certainly helped me get back on track with my savings and investment goals - A must read for anyone who wants to stay on top of their finances!

#95. Subscribe to Women's Health magazine - 28/10/2009.  I've always bought this magazine off the shelf and really enjoy reading it, but finally I don't have to think about when the next issue is coming out - it just magically arrives in my letterbox - YAY!

#90. For one week watch no TV - 06/12/2009-14/12/2009.  This was much easier than I anticipated.  It turns out I don't watch as much TV as I first thought, AND I was extremely productive in getting odd jobs completed around the house.  I'll definitley being doing this again.

A Dad Update.

My last entry was quite some time ago, and a lot has happened in relation to my Dad since then! So this entry is an update on what's been happening in my little strange but true world.

Well my Dad has had a few ups and downs. He was accepted to go on a trial drug to hopefully fight the tumors that just keep growing and growing. However, in the process the surgeon's managed to screw everything up quite royally while doing a biopsy on his liver, which landed him in hospital for 2 weeks. He lost about 20kg's in 2 weeks as he couldn't eat anything for about 4 days, and after the surgery his insides were so swollen he just couldn't manage to eat much at all. Thankfully he's at home now and on the mend. His weight is slowly increasing, thank goodness!! When I first went to visit him in hospital i could tell he'd lost a bit of weight but it wasn't until about a week into his stay that i realised just how much it was. He was trying to sit up in bed, using the over the bed pull up handle, and I swear I saw my Grandpa in the bed, not my Dad. He was the spitting image of his own father who was sick for about the last 10 years of his life. I almost fell over with shock!! Slowly but surely he's been getting better though, and has since started on the trial drug. So fingers crossed we'll get some good news about the new drug working some time soon!

For fathers day this year, I bought my Dad a gift voucher to brew his own beer at the Barleycorn Brewers. Because of his unexpected hospital stay we had to postpone our brewing for a short while, but on the 21st November we headed off to the Barleycorn Brewers ready to brew our own beer! It was a really fun morning. Dad had a great time learning about the different processes and adding all the ingredients to make our own Pale Ale. Dad asked his brother Phil to come along with us, and Matt came too. We even got to taste some of the other beers that they have to offer from the beer bank! This satuday the 12th December, we'll be heading back there to bottle our own little brew. I've designed some labels for the brew (all approved by Dad of course) and can't wait to taste our beer and knock back a few with Dad!

Making Memories with Dad

This post is a bit of a release about my Dad's current health situation, and the memories I'm trying to make with him while I still can.

In April of 2008 my Dad was diagnosed with Bowl & Liver cancer. The tumor's in his liver were large and in too difficult a spot to operate, so the doctors decided that the best course of action was to treat him with Chemotherapy first to shrink them down and then attack them with surgery after they had shrunk.

Initially the Chemotherapy treatment was working and all the tumors (there were several in his bowl & liver) were shrinking and a few of them had disappeared completely. However, after 12 months the treatment stopped working and the doctors decided on a new plan of attack. A different kind of Chemotherapy was started in June 2009 to try and shrink the tumors. Although, we were also told at this point that the tumors would never be gone completely and that he would be on chemo until it no longer worked and then it was all just a time game. Well after a brief stint on the new treatment, he was told on Friday the 28th August that the latest dosage of chemo wasn't working, in fact, the tumors have all come back, nearly tripled in size, and had become far more aggressive. The news was pretty heart breaking, but by this point I've become pretty numb to the bad news and have started to expect it.

We haven't been given a time frame for Dad, but we're hoping the new trial drug he starts on in a few weeks will give him some more time. He seems fine to the average everyday person, but it's the pain that's started coming more often that knocks him about. His spirits are still pretty good, but when he's at home in his chair, I can tell he's just not right. He's not quite as social as he used to be, but he manages to put on his brave face around his mates and show them he's fine. I know he's not.

I spent all of last Sunday, the 30th, with him and Mum at their house in Emerald. The day was meant to be for Mum & I to work on our quilt, which we did, but turned in to a lovely day of relaxing with Dad and watching the footy too. After dinner that night, Dad was quite restless and suddenly proclaimed he was making Date Scones. We headed into the kitchen and the cooking began. Dad's never been much of a cook, but he could always do a good BBQ, so this was something a little different from the usual steak on the barbie!

Watching Dad make date scones, sounds like something very boring and mundane to most people, but for some reason on this particular Sunday night, it dawned on me that there aren't going to be a lot of chances to see this kind of thing happen, so I took a few pics and decided to post them here and make some memories. Watching Dad eat his date scones brought a massive smile to my face..... I'm sure many other things will too.

Baby Barren and his Blanket

On Thursday the 6th August 2009 I was delighted to receive a phone call from my very good friend Jeremy, announcing the safe arrival of his gorgeous son Toby Stirling Barren. I was just so happy for him and his lovely wife Zoe! I'd been working on making a blanket for Baby Barren and had luckily finished it off that day.
Matt & I visted Zoe, Jeremy & Toby on Saturday and gave them the blanket I had made. I never imagined the joy it would bring to me handing over a gift that I had made, and seeing how much it meant to them. It was a wonderful feeling, and one I certainly want to feel again. So I guess I'd better start on the next one!!
This also crosses another thing off my list!!

The Kokoda Track 2009

I can't believe I've actually done it - I've completed the Kokoda Track!! What an amazing experience, certainly one I'll never forget.

15/05/2009 - The experience of a life time all began on the 15th May 2009 at 6:30am when Myself, Fiona, Sammy, Jezza, Garry & Stocksy left Melbourne bound for Brisbane and then on to Port Moresby. On arriving in Port Moresby we were hit with the wonderful feeling of heat and humidty, but to my surprise it wasn't quite as horrible as I had imagined. Our friend Burnsey was at Jackson airport to pick us up and take us on what was to be an eye opening tour of Port Moresby. I was pretty overcome at the situation over there, it's an awful city with crime aplenty, and Burnsey swiftly informed us that none of us were to walk to the streets alone as we just wouldn't survive. Car jackings and theft are huge over there, however we were assured we were safe due Burnsey beign the head honcho for TruKai Rice, PNG's largest rice company which basically runs the economy.

We were taken straight from the airport to Bomana Cemetary. A war cemetary where about 3,500 Australian soldiers from WWII are burried. It was an eerie but beautiful place. The grounds were imaculate and extremely well groomed. The feeling of walking through such a place was quite overwhelming, and it really made me stop and think about what these soldiers went through and the enormity of why I was really there. Each headstone had the soldiers name, age, rank & a message from home. However there were a couple of hundred headstone's with the words: "An Australian Soldier of the 1939 -1945 War. Known unto God." This really pulled at my heart strings, to think that someone fought and died for our country and their identity was never discovered, it really broke my heart.

After the cemetary we were taken to Burnsey's compound where we were staying for the night, and what a contrast to the rest of the city. A nice comfy home with a pool and a House Mary named Bina. House Mary's are local Papuan's maids. We were treated like King's & Queens and shown a fantastic time by Burnsey, his wife Penny and their 2 gorgeous kids, Sam & Riley.

16/05/2009 - Our second day in Port Moresby was more sight seeing with Burnsey around the city and other parts, again more mind boggling stuff, it's such a world away from where we live, incredible. Later that day we were taken to the Hideaway Hotel (not one of the nicest hotels in PM, basically one step up from a backpackers, but we had no choice), where we met up with our No Roads Expedition guide, Josh, and the other 2 members of our trek, Ralph & Tony. Josh gave us a briefing of what to expect over the next 8 days of our trek and how it would all work, and then it was off to dinner to get to know the other team members. After dinner and some final pack inspections, it was an early night to prepare for the big day ahead of us. To say I was a little anxious about the whole thing was an understatement - I was packing myslef BIG TIME!!

17/05/2009 - DAY 1 of the Kokoda Track. It was an early start to the day, as we had received strict instructions from Josh that we were to have our bags packed, and ready to go in the foyer of the hotel by 7am. We were also told that everything here happens on PNG time, and getting our flight to Kokoda is all dependant on the weather, so it could be a long wait for our flight to get clearance. Luckily we were cleared to leave at 8:10am and we headed off to the airport and boarded our little tin can plane to be taken to Kokoda. It's about a half hour flight, but what a beautiful flight it is, the look out over the Owen Stanley Ranges and seeing exactly what we were about to conquer was breath taking and scary all in the one hit.

Arriving at Kokoda air strip was a complete contrast to Port Morseby. It was much like Bomana Cemetry, well groomed, stunning scenery and some friendly local faces to greet us. We met our porters, and waited for them to unload our food supplies for the next 8 days and load up their packs. Then it was off....we were officially on our way... actually trekking the Kokoda Trail!! I didn't realise exactly what I was doing until after 10 minutes walking, then finally hit me...I'd just begun one of the most challenging experiences of my life!!

We stopped briefly at the Kokoda Memorial sight about 20 minutes in to the trek, to start our war history lesson. The memorial that have been erected are wonderful tribute to the soldiers who lost their lives in battle to help save our country, and it really makes you feel quite humble. It was also a chance to look out over the Owen Stanley Ranges and see the rigorous terrain that lay ahead of us......SCAREY!

On we travelled to ..... for a half hour break for lunch. It was a gorgeous little village with friendly faces and yet more stunning scenery. It was also a chance fill our water bottles, surprising how much water you go through when you're walking in the heat & humidity!! Although, I think I was very conscious about getting dehydrated so was continually sipping on my camel back just to be safe. Off we set after a light lunch towards Deniki for our first night's camp. The first day really didn't open my eyes to what I was about to endure until the last hour, which was a nice little ascent up to Deniki.

Then it was time to set up camp and help the porters prepare dinner. Each village we stayed at had guest houses available, which were wooden huts with bamboo thatched rooves. I found it a much better option than sleeping in a tent as there was more ventilation and room to spread our pack out. I quickly discovered my nightly routine after arriving at camp every night: Unpack everything, set up bed, wash (just to get the mud off), rinse out trekking clothes, put on clean dry clothes, attend to feet (blister protection), then realx with the gang. And of course every morning there a routine aswell: Wake up 5:30am, toilet (there was long drop huts in each village - not as horrible as you'd imagine), change into trekking clothes (same clothes every day, they're always wet, and smellier by the day, but better than carrying 8 sets of clothes!), re-pack everything (always the same way), then out to breakfast with the gang. It was my dialy routine that helped me get through some of the days when I really didn't think I could make it.

18/05/2009 - DAY 2 of the Kokoda Track. The morning began with formal introductions to our porters and lead guides. We all went along the line and shook hands and exchanges names and niceties. After our brief introductions we headed off to our lunch destination of Isurava. It wasn't long into the day that I really started to feel just how difficult this trek was going to be, and the little demons of doubt quickly came into my head. It was quite a steep decent up to Isurava and I had to stop several times to catch my breath and have a drink. I found this day really difficult, and before long I had a friendly hand reaching out for me every time I needed it. It was the hand of Elijah, one of our porters, who took it upon himself to help me when I needed it... and boy did I need it!

Arriving at Isuarava was quite unbelievable. It was a breathtaking and very moving place to be. We went to the memorial and had our war history lesson, and very quickly I was moved to tears. For some reason this place really got to me, it made me really appreciate what I have today and just how easy my life is. Isurava is a very humbling place and somewhere I'll never forget.

After lunch we headed on to Alola. About half way to Alola I was it all a bit too much and had to stop several times to regroup and regain my sanity. One of the porters took my pack on to the village for me, as he could see how much I was struggling. As much as this was heartbreaking, and felt a little like failure, it was an absolute blessing. On arrival at Alola I was feeling horrible, my body ached all over and I was highly emotional. But of course, realxing with the gang was the perfect remedy....along with a few anti-inflamatories and some Panadine-forte!

19/05/2009 - DAY 3 of the Kokoda Track. My third day of the track begun with a pep talk from my Trainer. Stocksy could see I was beating myself up over my efforts from the day before and I was really worried I wouldn't be able to make it. However, he knows me too well and had me back in spirits in no time. We headed to Arora Creek, a VERY steep decline, but surprisingly I did OK. Elijah was there to help me through the difficult parts, and before I knew it we had arrived at 1900 Creek for lunch. After our standard lunch of salada biscuits, cheese, salami and cups of soup, we were off toward our camp site at Templeton's 1 for the night. This was a MUCH better day for me, I was back on the horse and kicked ass!!

20/05/200 - DAY 4 of the Kokoda Track. Day 4 saw us leaving Templeton's 1 quite early and off to Nadouri for lunch. Nadouri is the village where one of the last Fuzzy Wuzzy men live. He's said to be one of 3 orginal's left. His nephew came out to us and introduced us all to him. He then told us the story of his uncle and what his job was during the war and what he did afterwards. When he walked out, he was all hunched over and wearing a military hat and shirt with pins, badges and medals all over it. These were all given to him as gifts from trekkers that have come to see him and as a sign of their appreciation of his efforts during the war, gave him what little they could. He is said to be 103 years old. After having our photo's taken with him, for the small price of 10Kena each (approx $5) we headed off toward the village of Kagi. Kagi is the village all of our porters are from. It was great walking into the village and meeting the family members of the people that had done so much for us. The part of the village we stayed in was just beautiful, and so well maintained by the locals. This was probably my favorite night on the track.

21/05/2009 - DAY 5 of the Kokoda Track. We were awoken by the amazingly beautiful sound of the Kagi Village church choir. If I could wake up to the sound every morning, I would be a very happy woman indeed. The trek out of Kagi was an extremely steep downhill descent. I never thought I say this, but this was certainly a time when I looked forward to the uphill climb. After reaching the bottom of the ridge and crossin the river, I got my wish, we were had a nice little climb up to Birgade Hill for lunch. At brigade hill we were met by another group of trekkers heading in the opposite direction who looked very bedraggled and over it. They warned us of the swamp ahead and the "hell" that we were about to encounter. After lunch we headed off toward Menari for our 5th night in the jungle. About 15 minutes before reaching Menari, we crossed a river in a steep valley and were absolutely drenched by a massive down pour. However, as soon as is started, it was over! As we climbed out of the valley and up into Menari, the rains were left behind us and we were met my huge signs saying "TRACK CLOSED"! The signs were due to the unfortunate death of a porter who came from the village of Menari. His family were seeking compensation from the trekking company for their loss, as a porter earns about 5 times the amount of an average Papuan in a week. Luckily for us, our trekking company, No Roads, pay for insurance policies for all of the porters they employ, so we were allowed to continue into the village and stay the night. It was an easy afternoon, but I was pretty well over it, and glad to be relaxed in our guest house. The rain had started again and was pretty consistent the whole time we were there, forcing us all to stay in the guest house.

22/05/2009 - DAY 6 of the Kokoda Track. We left Menari nice and early and were informed of the short trekking day ahead of us, but it was all through a swamp! I absolutely shined through the swamp! I found my feet and managed to power through it like no one's business and earned my name of 'Swamp Rat'. We were headed for New Naro for lunch where we would also set up camp for the night. It rained consistently the whole day and arriving a New Naro at about 1:30pm was great! We were all very happy to be resting up for the afternoon. It was a great afternoon for the team to relax together and really get to know more about each other.

23/05/2009 - DAY 7 of the Kokoda Track. Our morning began quite early as we headed off to Iribawa Village for lunch. It was a lovely village, but after not having any kind of meat for 5 days, I was craving any kind of meat I could get my hands on......and there just so happened to be chickens running around the village freely....all I could see where chicken paramgiana's with legs running away from me...I WAS STARVING FOR ONE!!! After being laughed at by the porters on my efforts of chasing chickens, we left Irabawa Village and moved on to Vuale Creek for our last night. The afternoon was fantastic terrain, through creeks and rivers and rocks, and before I knew we were at Irabawa Village. The sun had come back out for us, and we the locals were more than accomodating in showing us the local swimming hole. It was the perfect way to end the day, and then it was topped off by putting back a very SP's.....marvellous!

24/05/2009 - DAY 8 of the Kokoda Track. Our final day began nice and early at 6:00am as we headed on towards Ower's Corner to those brilliant arches. It was a relatively easy morning, with a break at the creek before our final climb up to Ower's Corner. It was a 45 minute climb up to the top, but I've never been more happy to limb up a hill.... the veiw of the arches as you come up the hill is just amazing. Of course, I was extremely emotional to think that I'd done it, I'd finally finished the Kokoda Track. We all linked arms and walked through the arches together as a team. A team that I'd bonded so much with over the past 8 days. The emotions I felt were quite indescribable, it was a mixture of relief, excitement, and ovewhelming proudness.

The whole experience was just brilliant. It was certainly no walk in the park and I can only recommend that anyone attempting the walk make sure they do sufficient training, as there's nothing that can prepare for such an expereince other than relentless walking and stair and hill climbing. But it's certainly something I'm already considering doing again.

HOOYAH!!